The previous sunday night was another night when the animal in me couldnt be stopped, it leapt out , gnashing its teeths, occasionaly baring its dracula fangs...its breath..toxic..rancid...its claws sharp enough to penetrate the hardest of soul .. its brain..programmed to seek out..trap..weaken..and destroy the target.
As the animal did so.. i watched...i couldnt do much..was i also enjoying the assault..was i smiling...wide eyed...in awe of the precision techniques with which the animal tightened its death grip ,the trap getting tighter with each breath...squeezing out its targets self respect with his each gasp ,did i enjoy the coldness of his tears...the helplessness in his eyes..asking me to stop it...did i want more of it..did it quench my thirst...did i order another round of Afgani Chicken tikka , while he was being devoured ...bones and all...turned to a mass of DNA,with more twists to it .... twists that may never straighten up.
Did the animal in me create another animal that night...
I am Sorry Arup !!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Yesterday....
I wanted to do two things yesterday...wake up ...and not go back to sleep again...instead go walking to Jaynagar...and i excatly did that ...walked those 40+ kms in the bangalore heat... Started at around 8 am , one part of me smirking at the other, pretty much sure that i would abort the walk after a few kilometers...that i would soon talk myself off the walk...choosing flight over fight mode...giving some logical intelligent self protective reasons...
I didnt want to associate any thoughts to it, didnt want to make any other option available.... and didnt wantany results out of it,after all..a walk is a walk is a walk...
In my younger days..I had once walked along the railway track ...walking balancing on the shiny steel rails..my eyes trying to seek out hidden treasures all along ...hoping to hit on a treasure map in the snake pits ..underneath the boulder with strange design on them ...treasures hidden by a king..for me....:), hundreds of fantasies playing in my head...The rails endlesly ran..detached ...trapped between the red mud walls on both sides...with me as its sole master.and its sole passenger...its job to take me to a wonderland far away from my stupid friends and a boring afternoon... I heard the eucalptus trees with its shiny bark and leaves..giving off that sound..trying to talk to me...perhaps asking my name..and what i did..asking me ..when it would rain....and we did talk... yes..we did..i still remember the silence...me.. the rails..the mudwalls..the trees..the barbed bushes..the occasional patches of lakes..with grasshoppers zzzzzzzzing around..the coool grass underneath those mango trees... i still remember the calmness i felt beneath ...the huge swaying banyan trees on the wooden benches at the station...the goats....the crows..the fresh breeze... the villagers looking at me ..the town boy... with raised eyebrows......yes i remember smoking a berkely then :) ,lying on the bench...i felt like a king...who had discovered a route to a new world...a mission accomplished..:)A station conquered ...
The station - chikkabanavara ,
13°4'51"N 77°30'26"E ...google can give the N's and E's of the place..but i bet..it cant give the coordinates of the mango tree which has the best shade along the tracks ..i can :)
Nah..i do not enjoy walking,,,but its the mysteries which i find along..that interest me..i have often shamlessly picked up that strange looking stone..a piece of machinery which actually would have been a part of a vehicle, but then i would build stories around it...tagging it as a part which escaped from an alien spacecraft...or watch people on the way...watch them do a mundane task , watch their expressions...watch them communicate..watch them smile...watch that trail of sweat running down on the dark shoulders of a road digger, watch that girl going off to school clasping her grandmas hand...the school bag...resting on her dadis tired yet proud shoulders...Seems like i am drifting from what i wanted to write...:)
I didnt want to carry any money, but then on second thoughts carried Rs. 50..left the purse though, and my ID proof . I like travelling light...
It was quite humid outside..perhaps my mind was amplyfying the humidity factor, wanting to abort the plan..the last thing i wanted at that time was duality of thoughts...but i have realized..mind is naturally dual...so the best way is to shut it down...do not give it anything to process..kill all the background process...numb all the exe. files....
I had this sketchy image of Active Canvas at Jaynagar,a institute i had been contemplating to join some day.nah..not that they would necessarily absorb me...:) ...but i wanted to see it for once..from outside..walk its lanes...more than anything i just wanted to walk and walk in the general direction of Jaynagar...i have seen donkeys doing so...:)
My first pit stop was after a km, at a darshini..i like their Idli vadas..and the coffee and the sutta with it..i did manage to spill some chutney onto my shirt..
On the ring road now,amongst the human and machine traffic , all of them connected by dust ,fume and sound..and the melting tar road.... a small crowd at the new age bus stop caught my attention ...gambling.... the sutradhar of the show reeking of desi tharra , spitting at regular intervals ,his fleety , bloody red eyes searching out for potential victims or perhaps smelling out approaching thieves in uniform , his hidden assistants guaging the pockets of the bystanders.......a circus between buses coming in and out...i cdnt be harmed..i was the poorest of them :).. the great gambler manuplated three plastic coins , the money making coins...it seemed today was not a good day for the spitting cobra..i saw the prays repeatedly winning, biting him back..then all of a sudden he stood up..wiped his wrinkled hood ,and slithered away...perhaps...he needed to sharpen his fangs..
My third stop was at a roadside temple...the outside seating was surprsingly cool..i sat there for few minutes....no i didnt pray..i havent done that since a long time...me and your god have never been at good terms ...:)so does that make me the devil ? :)so be it.......texted messages to K and M , told them that i was sorry, and that i realized that i had gone overboard ..but then like we had decided ..we would not meet till next year..they didnt reply... i erased their numbers....two processes killed...
wd continue later
I didnt want to associate any thoughts to it, didnt want to make any other option available.... and didnt wantany results out of it,after all..a walk is a walk is a walk...
In my younger days..I had once walked along the railway track ...walking balancing on the shiny steel rails..my eyes trying to seek out hidden treasures all along ...hoping to hit on a treasure map in the snake pits ..underneath the boulder with strange design on them ...treasures hidden by a king..for me....:), hundreds of fantasies playing in my head...The rails endlesly ran..detached ...trapped between the red mud walls on both sides...with me as its sole master.and its sole passenger...its job to take me to a wonderland far away from my stupid friends and a boring afternoon... I heard the eucalptus trees with its shiny bark and leaves..giving off that sound..trying to talk to me...perhaps asking my name..and what i did..asking me ..when it would rain....and we did talk... yes..we did..i still remember the silence...me.. the rails..the mudwalls..the trees..the barbed bushes..the occasional patches of lakes..with grasshoppers zzzzzzzzing around..the coool grass underneath those mango trees... i still remember the calmness i felt beneath ...the huge swaying banyan trees on the wooden benches at the station...the goats....the crows..the fresh breeze... the villagers looking at me ..the town boy... with raised eyebrows......yes i remember smoking a berkely then :) ,lying on the bench...i felt like a king...who had discovered a route to a new world...a mission accomplished..:)A station conquered ...
The station - chikkabanavara ,
13°4'51"N 77°30'26"E ...google can give the N's and E's of the place..but i bet..it cant give the coordinates of the mango tree which has the best shade along the tracks ..i can :)
Nah..i do not enjoy walking,,,but its the mysteries which i find along..that interest me..i have often shamlessly picked up that strange looking stone..a piece of machinery which actually would have been a part of a vehicle, but then i would build stories around it...tagging it as a part which escaped from an alien spacecraft...or watch people on the way...watch them do a mundane task , watch their expressions...watch them communicate..watch them smile...watch that trail of sweat running down on the dark shoulders of a road digger, watch that girl going off to school clasping her grandmas hand...the school bag...resting on her dadis tired yet proud shoulders...Seems like i am drifting from what i wanted to write...:)
I didnt want to carry any money, but then on second thoughts carried Rs. 50..left the purse though, and my ID proof . I like travelling light...
It was quite humid outside..perhaps my mind was amplyfying the humidity factor, wanting to abort the plan..the last thing i wanted at that time was duality of thoughts...but i have realized..mind is naturally dual...so the best way is to shut it down...do not give it anything to process..kill all the background process...numb all the exe. files....
I had this sketchy image of Active Canvas at Jaynagar,a institute i had been contemplating to join some day.nah..not that they would necessarily absorb me...:) ...but i wanted to see it for once..from outside..walk its lanes...more than anything i just wanted to walk and walk in the general direction of Jaynagar...i have seen donkeys doing so...:)
My first pit stop was after a km, at a darshini..i like their Idli vadas..and the coffee and the sutta with it..i did manage to spill some chutney onto my shirt..
On the ring road now,amongst the human and machine traffic , all of them connected by dust ,fume and sound..and the melting tar road.... a small crowd at the new age bus stop caught my attention ...gambling.... the sutradhar of the show reeking of desi tharra , spitting at regular intervals ,his fleety , bloody red eyes searching out for potential victims or perhaps smelling out approaching thieves in uniform , his hidden assistants guaging the pockets of the bystanders.......a circus between buses coming in and out...i cdnt be harmed..i was the poorest of them :).. the great gambler manuplated three plastic coins , the money making coins...it seemed today was not a good day for the spitting cobra..i saw the prays repeatedly winning, biting him back..then all of a sudden he stood up..wiped his wrinkled hood ,and slithered away...perhaps...he needed to sharpen his fangs..
My third stop was at a roadside temple...the outside seating was surprsingly cool..i sat there for few minutes....no i didnt pray..i havent done that since a long time...me and your god have never been at good terms ...:)so does that make me the devil ? :)so be it.......texted messages to K and M , told them that i was sorry, and that i realized that i had gone overboard ..but then like we had decided ..we would not meet till next year..they didnt reply... i erased their numbers....two processes killed...
wd continue later
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Perfect Trap
The eyes have gotten darker
underlined and blended to the perfection
its soul cooked al dante
ready to be scooped out ..and swallowed...
its remanants..spared ..left out to dry..
They no more cry out..
The silence now echoes loudly off its inside walls.
dark wells of brackish water lie undisturbed beneath the rocks.
Voice lost...soul parched ..
The emptiness..the unknown future claws at the throat
and tears at your very being.
You have no identity anymore.
You are the darkness in which you reside,
and the darkness is you.
you cant make out ..who is who..
getting lost..stuck in eachother
trapped in the another...
underlined and blended to the perfection
its soul cooked al dante
ready to be scooped out ..and swallowed...
its remanants..spared ..left out to dry..
They no more cry out..
The silence now echoes loudly off its inside walls.
dark wells of brackish water lie undisturbed beneath the rocks.
Voice lost...soul parched ..
The emptiness..the unknown future claws at the throat
and tears at your very being.
You have no identity anymore.
You are the darkness in which you reside,
and the darkness is you.
you cant make out ..who is who..
getting lost..stuck in eachother
trapped in the another...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Graphite day
My attempt at getting the eye right has clearly failed..so have the inter connecting blocks...
Theo jansen mechanism - First attempt
Yes..the tin legs move ...:) .need to scale it up.. .make it in clear 50 mm thick acrylic ...eighteen legs..hope it works then...hope it walks then...and then i would go hunting ....riding on it...:)
Monday, January 5, 2009
speechless.......
He didnt want to go home today..no.. it seemed.. he didnt want to reach anywhere today..the louis phillipe shirt hanging on him had gathered shame in its expensive collars,the trouser..yes louis phillipe again..cried out for its share of grime..
His mother must have been waiting....perhaps..perhaps now sitting at the doorstep....for his son to come back singing...today was a special day....his first day at job....
But where was he ?..why wasnt he home yet..hmmm ..he must be still working..working out of one of those high risers,attending one of his octane charged explosive meetings..you know ..the kinds which happen inside those sound proof cabins....in those huge beautiful buildings with the glass facades...with the thickened glass..brainstormed ideas scribbled on the whiteboards in a carefree manner....one leading to other...some leading nowhere...a projector...no... not one of those lowly versions used in his mothers school..these were the ones which throw blue streams of escaped squeezed light on a white screen ...text intelligently floating on them.. .perhaps his employers have thrown a welcome party for him...perhaps thats whats keeping him late..i am told these things happen in the corporate world....lots of money you see... in this software things..so i am told....but my friends tells me reccession is hitting hard..the dollor arent percolating through much ..see i do not even know to spell it..but he says it is like a tide..which hits hard..and then goes back to its depths..taking many down with it....anyways those talks do not interest me..not that i understand them in anycase..as long as i do not have to shell out an extra Rupee for my cup of tea .
So...Was he drinking ?is that whats keeping him late ...but hadnt he quit ..a few months back..i do remember him telling that he even hated the sight of those things which you pay for ..to make you act weirder...
She felt happy that unlike those days when her son had just two pairs of shirt..and had to come back late and wash them..and dry them in the cold warmth of the night ..or on the chair ..next to him -under the fan ..no he wouldnt let her wash them..back then they didnt have the self drying washing machine too..you see..
but today she knew two more pair of louis phillpe waited for his son..their beautiful tags..still hanging out....didnt he look good today ...she wondered..where did he get the money from ? He had been out of work for an year now...
Wait..i shouted out at him..yes..it was him...my educated..always-talking- big things-friend.... but he wasnt listening..i followed his bike..why would he take a U turn..didnt he know his mother was waiting..i followed him to this park...the types in which the rich run and burn their beer belly and bums..and lovers weave their dreams on the benches..hoping to share the popcorn for the life time..on the same bench..
what was he up to ?I hid behind a tree..so did he...was he playing a game of hide and seek with me ?..like the old times...did he know i was following him...his shadowy figure had become smaller now..i went nearer..
From the shadows i heard him cry..cry in spasms..cry a muffeled cry..doesnt he know that men arent supposed to cry...just then the park guard came and shouted "Hog ree...time ayeethu...".Was he able to hide his tears...from the guards torch ...perhaps not..
And just then like always an idea popped up inside my entrpenour(well how do u spell it?)sparrow brain...why not make a crying park..a park..where u pay the token fee at the gate ..and u get a tree for yrself ..u get to cry..and noone interrupts..not even the guard...10 Rs. for a washed artistically muraled wall, 5 Rs. for a low lying bushy christmas tree, 2 Rs. to hide behind one of those new age plastic kangaroo use-me dusbins.....i dont know if the recession thing has hit that hard..can people still pay that much.and not cry about that instead.....will have to check my well informed-well placed friend...
In my money making scheme i lost him again...no..i think i didnt... he was outside the gate at the far edge of the parking lot..he sat their motionless on his bike..perfectly still..his helmet on...no i cd see some movement..his shoulders were moving up and down..and his hand wd reach inside his helmet ....so.....he was crying again..
Hmm..so it had happened again..he hadnt got the job..but then didnt we both go shopping yesterday..those louiiii philips..yes those with the heavy tags..trapped inside those trappings..which he bought from his credit card..i do remember him telling me..that he was supposed to receive his offer letter today..i remember the sales gal was very cute too.Now i know why these shirts are so expensive..the smile from those girls are included..so do we also pay taxes..and VAT ..and all those for the smile...?
See i lost him again...so much for my chain or rather tax-is of thoughts ...
Yes i see him through the park fencing..i must say...i have eagle eyes.how about starting a detective agency..perhaps call it "eagle eyes"..he has turned towards the road..leading to his waiting mother..let me follow him home...
I do not know..what he would say to his mother..would he lie to her..would he tell her..that the CEO unfortunately had to travel out of India suddenly...or that he didnt like the colour of the coffee mugs of the office..or that the office was not environment friendly...or would he go and hide in his mothers lap..and cry...and tell her..."Ma ...they dont understand what i speak..they think i am an an an ..tell them Ma..i am not an idiot.. "
Or would he turn back at the U turn again..searching for a dark place..darker than his now dark shadowy eyes.How many rounds of U turns would it take...to dry out his tears..how many huh?
The VAT paid louis phillpe still waits at home ..struggling to jump out of its designer casing....to gather its share of grime..
His mother must have been waiting....perhaps..perhaps now sitting at the doorstep....for his son to come back singing...today was a special day....his first day at job....
But where was he ?..why wasnt he home yet..hmmm ..he must be still working..working out of one of those high risers,attending one of his octane charged explosive meetings..you know ..the kinds which happen inside those sound proof cabins....in those huge beautiful buildings with the glass facades...with the thickened glass..brainstormed ideas scribbled on the whiteboards in a carefree manner....one leading to other...some leading nowhere...a projector...no... not one of those lowly versions used in his mothers school..these were the ones which throw blue streams of escaped squeezed light on a white screen ...text intelligently floating on them.. .perhaps his employers have thrown a welcome party for him...perhaps thats whats keeping him late..i am told these things happen in the corporate world....lots of money you see... in this software things..so i am told....but my friends tells me reccession is hitting hard..the dollor arent percolating through much ..see i do not even know to spell it..but he says it is like a tide..which hits hard..and then goes back to its depths..taking many down with it....anyways those talks do not interest me..not that i understand them in anycase..as long as i do not have to shell out an extra Rupee for my cup of tea .
So...Was he drinking ?is that whats keeping him late ...but hadnt he quit ..a few months back..i do remember him telling that he even hated the sight of those things which you pay for ..to make you act weirder...
She felt happy that unlike those days when her son had just two pairs of shirt..and had to come back late and wash them..and dry them in the cold warmth of the night ..or on the chair ..next to him -under the fan ..no he wouldnt let her wash them..back then they didnt have the self drying washing machine too..you see..
but today she knew two more pair of louis phillpe waited for his son..their beautiful tags..still hanging out....didnt he look good today ...she wondered..where did he get the money from ? He had been out of work for an year now...
Wait..i shouted out at him..yes..it was him...my educated..always-talking- big things-friend.... but he wasnt listening..i followed his bike..why would he take a U turn..didnt he know his mother was waiting..i followed him to this park...the types in which the rich run and burn their beer belly and bums..and lovers weave their dreams on the benches..hoping to share the popcorn for the life time..on the same bench..
what was he up to ?I hid behind a tree..so did he...was he playing a game of hide and seek with me ?..like the old times...did he know i was following him...his shadowy figure had become smaller now..i went nearer..
From the shadows i heard him cry..cry in spasms..cry a muffeled cry..doesnt he know that men arent supposed to cry...just then the park guard came and shouted "Hog ree...time ayeethu...".Was he able to hide his tears...from the guards torch ...perhaps not..
And just then like always an idea popped up inside my entrpenour(well how do u spell it?)sparrow brain...why not make a crying park..a park..where u pay the token fee at the gate ..and u get a tree for yrself ..u get to cry..and noone interrupts..not even the guard...10 Rs. for a washed artistically muraled wall, 5 Rs. for a low lying bushy christmas tree, 2 Rs. to hide behind one of those new age plastic kangaroo use-me dusbins.....i dont know if the recession thing has hit that hard..can people still pay that much.and not cry about that instead.....will have to check my well informed-well placed friend...
In my money making scheme i lost him again...no..i think i didnt... he was outside the gate at the far edge of the parking lot..he sat their motionless on his bike..perfectly still..his helmet on...no i cd see some movement..his shoulders were moving up and down..and his hand wd reach inside his helmet ....so.....he was crying again..
Hmm..so it had happened again..he hadnt got the job..but then didnt we both go shopping yesterday..those louiiii philips..yes those with the heavy tags..trapped inside those trappings..which he bought from his credit card..i do remember him telling me..that he was supposed to receive his offer letter today..i remember the sales gal was very cute too.Now i know why these shirts are so expensive..the smile from those girls are included..so do we also pay taxes..and VAT ..and all those for the smile...?
See i lost him again...so much for my chain or rather tax-is of thoughts ...
Yes i see him through the park fencing..i must say...i have eagle eyes.how about starting a detective agency..perhaps call it "eagle eyes"..he has turned towards the road..leading to his waiting mother..let me follow him home...
I do not know..what he would say to his mother..would he lie to her..would he tell her..that the CEO unfortunately had to travel out of India suddenly...or that he didnt like the colour of the coffee mugs of the office..or that the office was not environment friendly...or would he go and hide in his mothers lap..and cry...and tell her..."Ma ...they dont understand what i speak..they think i am an an an ..tell them Ma..i am not an idiot.. "
Or would he turn back at the U turn again..searching for a dark place..darker than his now dark shadowy eyes.How many rounds of U turns would it take...to dry out his tears..how many huh?
The VAT paid louis phillpe still waits at home ..struggling to jump out of its designer casing....to gather its share of grime..
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