Blue Kite Dreamz

Paimaney toot gaye

2009-08-04T07:15:00.003+05:30

The previous sunday night was another night when the animal in me couldnt be stopped, it leapt out , gnashing its teeths, occasionaly baring its dracula fangs...its breath..toxic..rancid...its claws sharp enough to penetrate the hardest of soul .. its brain..programmed to seek out..trap..weaken..and destroy the target.

As the animal did so.. i watched...i couldnt do much..was i also enjoying the assault..was i smiling...wide eyed...in awe of the precision techniques with which the animal tightened its death grip ,the trap getting tighter with each breath...squeezing out its targets self respect with his each gasp ,did i enjoy the coldness of his tears...the helplessness in his eyes..asking me to stop it...did i want more of it..did it quench my thirst...did i order another round of Afgani Chicken tikka , while he was being devoured ...bones and all...turned to a mass of DNA,with more twists to it .... twists that may never straighten up.

Did the animal in me create another animal that night...

I am Sorry Arup !!

sketch 33

2009-05-17T06:56:00.001+05:30

Yesterday....

2009-05-01T12:25:00.006+05:30

I wanted to do two things yesterday...wake up ...and not go back to sleep again...instead go walking to Jaynagar...and i excatly did that ...walked those 40+ kms in the bangalore heat... Started at around 8 am , one part of me smirking at the other, pretty much sure that i would abort the walk after a few kilometers...that i would soon talk myself off the walk...choosing flight over fight mode...giving some logical intelligent self protective reasons...

I didnt want to associate any thoughts to it, didnt want to make any other option available.... and didnt wantany results out of it,after all..a walk is a walk is a walk...

In my younger days..I had once walked along the railway track ...walking balancing on the shiny steel rails..my eyes trying to seek out hidden treasures all along ...hoping to hit on a treasure map in the snake pits ..underneath the boulder with strange design on them ...treasures hidden by a king..for me....:), hundreds of fantasies playing in my head...The rails endlesly ran..detached ...trapped between the red mud walls on both sides...with me as its sole master.and its sole passenger...its job to take me to a wonderland far away from my stupid friends and a boring afternoon... I heard the eucalptus trees with its shiny bark and leaves..giving off that sound..trying to talk to me...perhaps asking my name..and what i did..asking me ..when it would rain....and we did talk... yes..we did..i still remember the silence...me.. the rails..the mudwalls..the trees..the barbed bushes..the occasional patches of lakes..with grasshoppers zzzzzzzzing around..the coool grass underneath those mango trees... i still remember the calmness i felt beneath ...the huge swaying banyan trees on the wooden benches at the station...the goats....the crows..the fresh breeze... the villagers looking at me ..the town boy... with raised eyebrows......yes i remember smoking a berkely then :) ,lying on the bench...i felt like a king...who had discovered a route to a new world...a mission accomplished..:)A station conquered ...

The station - chikkabanavara ,
13°4'51"N 77°30'26"E ...google can give the N's and E's of the place..but i bet..it cant give the coordinates of the mango tree which has the best shade along the tracks ..i can :)

Nah..i do not enjoy walking,,,but its the mysteries which i find along..that interest me..i have often shamlessly picked up that strange looking stone..a piece of machinery which actually would have been a part of a vehicle, but then i would build stories around it...tagging it as a part which escaped from an alien spacecraft...or watch people on the way...watch them do a mundane task , watch their expressions...watch them communicate..watch them smile...watch that trail of sweat running down on the dark shoulders of a road digger, watch that girl going off to school clasping her grandmas hand...the school bag...resting on her dadis tired yet proud shoulders...Seems like i am drifting from what i wanted to write...:)

I didnt want to carry any money, but then on second thoughts carried Rs. 50..left the purse though, and my ID proof . I like travelling light...
It was quite humid outside..perhaps my mind was amplyfying the humidity factor, wanting to abort the plan..the last thing i wanted at that time was duality of thoughts...but i have realized..mind is naturally dual...so the best way is to shut it down...do not give it anything to process..kill all the background process...numb all the exe. files....

I had this sketchy image of Active Canvas at Jaynagar,a institute i had been contemplating to join some day.nah..not that they would necessarily absorb me...:) ...but i wanted to see it for once..from outside..walk its lanes...more than anything i just wanted to walk and walk in the general direction of Jaynagar...i have seen donkeys doing so...:)

My first pit stop was after a km, at a darshini..i like their Idli vadas..and the coffee and the sutta with it..i did manage to spill some chutney onto my shirt..

On the ring road now,amongst the human and machine traffic , all of them connected by dust ,fume and sound..and the melting tar road.... a small crowd at the new age bus stop caught my attention ...gambling.... the sutradhar of the show reeking of desi tharra , spitting at regular intervals ,his fleety , bloody red eyes searching out for potential victims or perhaps smelling out approaching thieves in uniform , his hidden assistants guaging the pockets of the bystanders.......a circus between buses coming in and out...i cdnt be harmed..i was the poorest of them :).. the great gambler manuplated three plastic coins , the money making coins...it seemed today was not a good day for the spitting cobra..i saw the prays repeatedly winning, biting him back..then all of a sudden he stood up..wiped his wrinkled hood ,and slithered away...perhaps...he needed to sharpen his fangs..

My third stop was at a roadside temple...the outside seating was surprsingly cool..i sat there for few minutes....no i didnt pray..i havent done that since a long time...me and your god have never been at good terms ...:)so does that make me the devil ? :)so be it.......texted messages to K and M , told them that i was sorry, and that i realized that i had gone overboard ..but then like we had decided ..we would not meet till next year..they didnt reply... i erased their numbers....two processes killed...

wd continue later

The Perfect Trap

2009-03-17T21:00:00.001+05:30

The eyes have gotten darker
underlined and blended to the perfection
its soul cooked al dante
ready to be scooped out ..and swallowed...
its remanants..spared ..left out to dry..

They no more cry out..
The silence now echoes loudly off its inside walls.
dark wells of brackish water lie undisturbed beneath the rocks.
Voice lost...soul parched ..
The emptiness..the unknown future claws at the throat
and tears at your very being.

You have no identity anymore.
You are the darkness in which you reside,
and the darkness is you.
you cant make out ..who is who..
getting lost..stuck in eachother
trapped in the another...

Graphite day

2009-03-10T22:47:00.003+05:30

My attempt at getting the eye right has clearly failed..so have the inter connecting blocks...

Theo jansen mechanism - First attempt

2009-03-10T22:40:00.004+05:30

Yes..the tin legs move ...:) .need to scale it up.. .make it in clear 50 mm thick acrylic ...eighteen legs..hope it works then...hope it walks then...and then i would go hunting ....riding on it...:)

speechless.......

2009-01-05T22:39:00.010+05:30

He didnt want to go home today..no.. it seemed.. he didnt want to reach anywhere today..the louis phillipe shirt hanging on him had gathered shame in its expensive collars,the trouser..yes louis phillipe again..cried out for its share of grime..

His mother must have been waiting....perhaps..perhaps now sitting at the doorstep....for his son to come back singing...today was a special day....his first day at job....

But where was he ?..why wasnt he home yet..hmmm ..he must be still working..working out of one of those high risers,attending one of his octane charged explosive meetings..you know ..the kinds which happen inside those sound proof cabins....in those huge beautiful buildings with the glass facades...with the thickened glass..brainstormed ideas scribbled on the whiteboards in a carefree manner....one leading to other...some leading nowhere...a projector...no... not one of those lowly versions used in his mothers school..these were the ones which throw blue streams of escaped squeezed light on a white screen ...text intelligently floating on them.. .perhaps his employers have thrown a welcome party for him...perhaps thats whats keeping him late..i am told these things happen in the corporate world....lots of money you see... in this software things..so i am told....but my friends tells me reccession is hitting hard..the dollor arent percolating through much ..see i do not even know to spell it..but he says it is like a tide..which hits hard..and then goes back to its depths..taking many down with it....anyways those talks do not interest me..not that i understand them in anycase..as long as i do not have to shell out an extra Rupee for my cup of tea .

So...Was he drinking ?is that whats keeping him late ...but hadnt he quit ..a few months back..i do remember him telling that he even hated the sight of those things which you pay for ..to make you act weirder...

She felt happy that unlike those days when her son had just two pairs of shirt..and had to come back late and wash them..and dry them in the cold warmth of the night ..or on the chair ..next to him -under the fan ..no he wouldnt let her wash them..back then they didnt have the self drying washing machine too..you see..
but today she knew two more pair of louis phillpe waited for his son..their beautiful tags..still hanging out....didnt he look good today ...she wondered..where did he get the money from ? He had been out of work for an year now...

Wait..i shouted out at him..yes..it was him...my educated..always-talking- big things-friend.... but he wasnt listening..i followed his bike..why would he take a U turn..didnt he know his mother was waiting..i followed him to this park...the types in which the rich run and burn their beer belly and bums..and lovers weave their dreams on the benches..hoping to share the popcorn for the life time..on the same bench..

what was he up to ?I hid behind a tree..so did he...was he playing a game of hide and seek with me ?..like the old times...did he know i was following him...his shadowy figure had become smaller now..i went nearer..

From the shadows i heard him cry..cry in spasms..cry a muffeled cry..doesnt he know that men arent supposed to cry...just then the park guard came and shouted "Hog ree...time ayeethu...".Was he able to hide his tears...from the guards torch ...perhaps not..

And just then like always an idea popped up inside my entrpenour(well how do u spell it?)sparrow brain...why not make a crying park..a park..where u pay the token fee at the gate ..and u get a tree for yrself ..u get to cry..and noone interrupts..not even the guard...10 Rs. for a washed artistically muraled wall, 5 Rs. for a low lying bushy christmas tree, 2 Rs. to hide behind one of those new age plastic kangaroo use-me dusbins.....i dont know if the recession thing has hit that hard..can people still pay that much.and not cry about that instead.....will have to check my well informed-well placed friend...

In my money making scheme i lost him again...no..i think i didnt... he was outside the gate at the far edge of the parking lot..he sat their motionless on his bike..perfectly still..his helmet on...no i cd see some movement..his shoulders were moving up and down..and his hand wd reach inside his helmet ....so.....he was crying again..

Hmm..so it had happened again..he hadnt got the job..but then didnt we both go shopping yesterday..those louiiii philips..yes those with the heavy tags..trapped inside those trappings..which he bought from his credit card..i do remember him telling me..that he was supposed to receive his offer letter today..i remember the sales gal was very cute too.Now i know why these shirts are so expensive..the smile from those girls are included..so do we also pay taxes..and VAT ..and all those for the smile...?
See i lost him again...so much for my chain or rather tax-is of thoughts ...

Yes i see him through the park fencing..i must say...i have eagle eyes.how about starting a detective agency..perhaps call it "eagle eyes"..he has turned towards the road..leading to his waiting mother..let me follow him home...

I do not know..what he would say to his mother..would he lie to her..would he tell her..that the CEO unfortunately had to travel out of India suddenly...or that he didnt like the colour of the coffee mugs of the office..or that the office was not environment friendly...or would he go and hide in his mothers lap..and cry...and tell her..."Ma ...they dont understand what i speak..they think i am an an an ..tell them Ma..i am not an idiot.. "

Or would he turn back at the U turn again..searching for a dark place..darker than his now dark shadowy eyes.How many rounds of U turns would it take...to dry out his tears..how many huh?

The VAT paid louis phillpe still waits at home ..struggling to jump out of its designer casing....to gather its share of grime..

The respected.. lovable.. intellectual... hyenas

2008-12-04T08:03:00.001+05:30

Dear Mr. RGV ...I feel sorry for you..i hate the way the media is cornering and spotlighting you.

So tell me Mr. RGV , how was your "recce operation" ...Wait a minute ..have i just suggested you a name to the probable movie that you have in your mind..

Tell me Mr RGV..did you brainstorm with your talented special effects team if they can produce the same shade of red...would they be able to sprinkle the animated liquid in a random fashion..tell me Mr.RGV..would they be as viscous as the one you saw on the walls....
So..what would you be using to match the texture and cuts of flesh ...would you be using chunks of meat from your neigbourhood cold storage ?
I trust your directorial competence Mr.RGV.. I know you can make a great movie out of it.. and seemingly you have already built up the incidental publicity around it.

But beleive me..this time the premiers of your film would be attended by the few intellectual vultures and hyenas...

Just to enhance your knowledge Mr. RGV :Hyenas are opportunistic scavengers. The powerful jaws and digestive tract of the hyena allow it to process and obtain nutrients from skin and bones.

Yes Mr. RGV ...we are burning with anger...you do not want to simmer in it..

Mujhe jane do....- 26/11

2008-12-03T22:15:00.006+05:30

Andar ek toofaan sa hai
rang badalta...kabhi safed..kabhi laal .
kabhi kali si chadar ke silwato me uljha hua
kisi grenade ke tarah fat ke bahar aa jana chahta hai wo
ek lohe ka jalta hua awara tukra mere andar bhi... gar gaya hai shayad
fas gaya hai shayad

kisi kale nagn baroodi dhooye me lipat sa gaya hoo
mere kaan kooch or sun nahi pa rahe hai achanak
naak me jaise shamshan ki rakh fas gayi hai..

nahi... mai shayad tumhare sath or sapne nahi bun paoonga
sub kooch jaise achanak bemane..bematlab.. se ho gaye hai
ab mujhe un surd rato me coffee day ki expresso nahi chahiye
mera khoon to aise hi jal raha hai, chal raha hai…

mujhe jane do..
mujhe jane do..mat roko…mujhe jana hi parega
kooch gili gili si laal chadare dhoni hai,suna hai...kooch ab tak garm hai..
kooch dhuaa ab bhi kaid hai kooch kooch kono me, upar ke maley me..
sannata hai..par awazo ki goonj ab tak kaid hai...suna tumne???
mujhe unhe azaad karna hai.....

Nahi..ab shayad mai likh bhi na paoonga
ab mai inke khoobsurat shabd jaal ke andar or choop na paoonga
Mai shayad badal raha hoo
ab andar sirf akkrosh hai,awague hai..
par toom intezar karna..kooch der tak hi sahi..
kyonki agli baar jub likhoonga
to sub kooch hoga laal..asmaa hoga surkh laal...chatak laal..ugte suraj ki tarah

par ab mujhe jane do..

My new camera

2008-11-17T23:06:00.002+05:30

Bhai has come back from the sea..i ahve bartered my sony for his Canon ..:)
A group of storks had paid a visit today evening to pose for me :)..considering i was about 300 meters away from them..the pix have still turned out good...bhai says..he could still feel the shakes..i am learning.........

Those 70++ hours- Part VIII

2008-11-16T12:39:00.002+05:30

Meanwhile the pressure kept mounting..i had to do something.i had to come out with a Plan B, in this case Plan P :))...and then i found another reason why its good to be a man :)
i have always been good at out-of-the box solution seeking..perhaps that was because i never had a box..so i was used to think outside anyways.. this time i came out with a in-the-bottle solution ..no..i do not want to go into the working details..but then i wished..the kinley bottle had a bigger mouth...:)yes it hurt..but the plan P was a success...and the spent fuel was emptied :)it was like a mid air jet plane refuelling mission :)..but a confidential one..:))

I now had no water to drink ..and not even the bottle to refill it from the next station.Any ways i felt releived..wrapped the spent fuel bottle in two layers of plastic and hung it on a hook..grosssssssssssssss....and i went back to sleep..

Woke up quite early..i knew i had to climb down..before others woke up..to use the loo..(this is the only part i hate about train journeys ..be it any class) or any mode-Road/Air/Water//inter and intra galactic teleportation..i also had to throw out the spent fuel in the bottle..before it got spontaneously charged ..and exploded and led to the biggest nuclear holocaust of the era ..no ..i had to get down..and i did..the pain had subsided to an extent that i wd limp..but i cd progress in a given direction...

Reached the metal gate...opening it took a mighty effort..it opened..and for the first time i felt alive...cold wind...hitting my face..acres and acres of lush farm lands closing in and moving past...farmers and buffaloes soaked deep in ponds..it kind of charged me...the spent fuel bomb took a good trajectory before falling into a pit..

continued in the next part....

Those 70+ hours - Part VII

2008-11-12T11:07:00.006+05:30

I blacked out...and when i woke up it was late evening..an entire 13 hours had passed by while i slept.i remember it was still cold..but then as we went further away from Delhi..the warmer it had gotten..the trains movement was comforting..

For the first time, i looked around..& then i looked down... and... then i saw the TT..who along with other passengers was looking up at me ,,his hairy eyebrows meeting in an inquisitive arch..a frozen bushy arch...
The TT seemingly had decided not to bother me ..the first time when he came to check the tickets few hours back..but then this time..he had no options but to tug at my legs..which had woken me up...

He said " Sir....itna mat so..tabiyat kharab ho jayegi,or ab ticket dikha do " i wanted to respond..but no words came out of my throat..i took out the ticket from my purse..i remember i went to sleep again after that..sleeping seemed normal to me suddenly...the shift from awakening to sleep seemed seamless..effortless...

"Boss ..its 7 pm..boss its 7 pm,..." i heard it echoing in my ears..no ..my mobile alarm clock didnt have this facility..it wdnt say "boss"..then i felt a pull on my hand..and i woke up..The elderly man ..my co-passenger was standing ..his freshly powdered face close to mine..i realized ..that it was him..who sounded like an alarm to me.

He said "You have been sleeping from the time..u boarded..breakfast or lunch to aapne kiya nahi..dont you want to order your dinner ?".. I said yes..i will..
Then i realized i couldnt..I just had Rs.3 ..

The order taker came up to me and asked ..whether i wd prefer Veg meals or Non veg meals..i just shook my head..and went back to sleep..

After about an hour i could smell food...food..food in blue and green trays ...suddenly i felt hungry..it had been almost 24 hours now..but all that food ..and not a single tray was for me... !!!

I turned away ..trying to mask the smell and sight of food being passed and hogged.

The elderly man.with his mouth half full with an oily poori .shouted from below.."Aapne order nahi diya kya ?" i came up with a not so convincing answer..i told him " Uncle..i avoid having anything during train journeys..i am allergic to train food" i was happy at my "Hazir jawabi" and that the answer would reamin valid for the entire train journey that was still left ..

i didnt even want to see his surprised return look..he must have been an active part of some marathi theatre group..he was quite expressive ..so before he could show me one of his jalwas.. i turned back..facing the see through divider which separated me from the other gentleman on the other side ,who was merrily digging into his chicken biryani...:( yes i cd hear the bones exploding in his crocodilian jaws..was he devouring on the breast bone ?..or was he lucky to have got the "Leg piece" ??, if he seemed like a crocodile that in that moment i felt like a dog :(..i closed my eyes shut..dug my nose into my elbow..shutting myself to all that visual teasing... ..and felt asleep....

When i woke up it was 11 pm , my back seemed all sweaty and hurt from sleeping so much..i sat for a moment, didnt know what to do..everyone had fallen asleep..the elderly man snoring now...yes..i knew why i woke up..the need to take a leak was overpowering suddenly ..i tried to get down..but i realized getting up was the easier part..getting down needed more control of your body..and i was 60 % down..
Meanwhile the pressure kept mounting..i had to do something.i had to come out with a Plan B, in this case Plan P :))...and then i found another reason why its good to be a man :)

continued in the next part........

i see faces

2008-11-11T18:03:00.005+05:30

"Yes..i know...the womans head is not proportional..it should have been a 12.56785 % smaller..but then i wanted it that way..i love women with more brains and that belief came out in my abstract sketch "

...if i said the above it wd be artistic bullshiting...:)...it was an error..an irreversible error at that..their was no way i could have erased the ink lines ...ha ha..yes i cant lie..hence i am not an artist...but thats ok....!!!

Today the saturday... a charcoal day

2008-11-08T17:11:00.009+05:30

I cant play with colours..i never cd..the colourblind that i am..
so i like it black...dark...with with few voids of whites..

I no longer crave to ask.."how do red and green look" i am happy with my blacks and whites,reddish-blues..yellowish blues..whitish blue, orangish blue..and of course the blueish blue.....:)

or rat hai jaise andha kuaa

2008-11-08T10:50:00.001+05:30

Maine unse kaha...mujhe likhna sikha do..

2008-11-06T12:35:00.004+05:30

Maine unse kaha.....

maine unse kaha..mujhe likhna sikha do...
mere andar hamesha koi cheekhta chillata rahta hai
shayad wo ab....... bahar ana chahta hai
meri ander ki tale ki chabi to kabhi bani hi nahi thi
..ek chabi... banwa do..

maine unse kaha..mujhe likhna sikha do...
mere pass to kagaz bhi nahi..wo bhi la do..
arey haaa..or apna wala pen lana na bhoolna
meri neel-syahi ko ..maine kal shaam surkh-rogan aasman par chitak diya tha
apni neeli si syahi bhi bhijwa do..

Maine unse kaha mujhe likhna sikha do..
paas baitho,batao..ki kya likhoo ...kaise likhoo..
maine to aj subah tumhare diye hue saaf-safed kagaz ka neel-patang ban dala
Pen ..ab likhta nahi hai..uspe dhage jo bandhe hai..
naraaz ho ?..bahot naraz ho ?
to apni patang urake..meri katwa do........

mujhe pyar tumse nahi hai

2008-11-06T10:02:00.001+05:30

tujhe chuke dekhoo

2008-11-06T10:01:00.001+05:30

ek subah ek mor par

2008-11-04T17:03:00.002+05:30

Those 70 + hours Part VI

2008-11-04T12:09:00.003+05:30

The pain was getting worse..the nerves which had gone into coma .were coming to their senses ..…it was getting colder..i was hallucinating again..i was tired ..my eyes were shutting down..i needed to sleep..i needed a place to sleep..i limped around the station premises.looking for a warm place...the entire enclosure around the ticket counter was overflowing ..with men & women sleeping on the floor..whatever spaces were left were occupied by luggages..and dogs.millkcans....i knew if got a space ..i wd fall fast asleep and wd miss the train..i had to reach the platform ..and had to take the overbridge..i stood at the first step of the overbridge..spent few moments telling myself..that i can do it..every step took a bigger effort..i must have taken half an hour to climb up and the same number of traumatic seconds to tumble down...

The platform was open on both the sides..my ears were cold...my lips dry and flaky ..waiting to peel off more layers .., my body wanting to open up all the joints into pieces ..eyes willing to close down any moment.brain not finding any logic in whatever was going on in and around me....but something was still alive inside me ..which seemed to have taken control...it stood up to fight ..instead of taking flight..

I talked myself into visualizing the train arriving in another three and half hours,and that it wd bundle me & take me to my home.To the warmth..to the safety..to the water..to my bed...

I sat down on the platform floor..all the granite benches were occupied..with people sleeping on them ,i sat down on the floor ..i do not know when i had taken to the foetal position..i rememebr coming in and out of sleep every 5 minutes.the pain and the cold wd push and pull me out of the sleep .i remember covering myself with the classified page of a local hindi newspaper..atleast it saved me partially from the breeze..if not the actual cold..i remember a dog sleeping near me too..but nothing mattered..the grimy platform..the dog..the stink...everything was hidden and enveloped with the coldness and numbness..... imagine a Cold Dog...:)

I half-awoke up to noises and went back to sleep ..the volume of noises increased slowly..i cd hear fast paced footsteps now..my nose picked up the scent of smelly shoes.. had to open my eyes..to confirm that i wasnt hallucinating again..and their was the most beautiful image in front of me, i dreamt of every single moment the entire last night .The train was standing on my left..my train ..my beautiful train..and inside that was my seat..the warmth..the security...i smiled after so many hours...

and i do remember saying good morning to the God....I told him with my lopsided smile.."Dear God we both had made it through the night..both me and the Dog :)" i saw him chuckle at me ..I wondered where he slept?

My legs ahdnt woken up yet..it took a while to get them into wahtever action they cd still provide..my legs had become more heavier overnight..the left leg...felt casted of steel ...blown out of proportion....grossly shapeless .Blue...dark blue..

standing up seemed like a herculian task.. ..and had to re-learn the art of walking again..found my bogie ..and then the seat.thankfully i had reserved the upper sleeper .Climbing up was a torture..every part of me protested..people around found my movements ackward and clumsy.. perhaps suspicious...but i was too numb to even give them the explanations to my Sloth like climbing technique.

I blacked out...and when i woke up it was late evening..an entire 13 hours had passed by while i sleeped.i remember it was still cold..but then as we went further away from Delhi..the warmer it had gotten..the trains movement was comforting..

For the first time, i looked around..& then i looked down... and...

continued in the next post...

2008-11-01T15:08:00.000+05:30

Those 70+ hours -Part V

2008-10-30T08:55:00.003+05:30

i tried to get up..but fell fell like a stone..a huge crowd had gathered by then..a few commenting that we were lucky to have survived..someone retrieved my bag from the the now confused mass of steel..leather..plastic and gasoline ..my head was aching now..the pain.. beyond any description...i wanted to shout and cry....but the neither the sound or tears came out ...someone said... at this state you should not make the journey of 2and half days..and that i shd go back where i came from ...and then i realized that this was a game..a game of the sutradhar ..he wanted me to go back..the easy way.. i winked at him...told him..you did yr best boss..but i am not quitting even after this.. i will catch my train..

I sat down on the sidewalk , the numb pain in the legs was waking up..sharp..razor sharp...i had to give it work..else i knew it wdnt come out of that state...so i stood up..my left leg wasnt able to support my weight..i stood for few moments..it was as if i was rebooting my system..one step at a time..i began talking to each battered part of my body..asking them to get back to their job...i told them it wasnt a request ..it was a command ..and they had no options..but to fight the pain..

One of the other auto driver came up to me and said thet he wd drop me to the station..i hopped and kind of bundled myself on to it..on reaching ,he reluctantly took Rs. 10..he had protested that he didnt want any...

Cash in hand now ..Rs. 10/-
Time left for the train to come in: another 4 hours..

I could hear loud music blaring out from inside the station premises..it was a "Jagrata" inside a shamiana, with atleast 300 men and women sitting under it..and singing and chanting and invoking the god and dancing along...were they doing it for me :)

The scene was so filmy…..here was i a battered soul..and here was the god..waiting for me at the station ….pushing itself on me….asking me to bend down before him…No..i wdnt do that..yes I cd have shook hands with him.. someone came up to me ..and offered me some “prashad” I denied it .. I was suddenly at war with him..the sutradhar..

I limped out of perimeter of the God.. and went to an adjacent chai shop..and bought a smoke too..i needed it..had to numb the pain..the chai did me some good..
Cash now in hand Rs. 3/- …ha ha…

The pain was getting worse..i guess all the nerves that had gone into coma .were coming alive ..and had resumed thier duty of transmiting the pain…it was getting colder..i was hallucinating again..i was tired ..my eyes were shutting down…

Those 70++ Hours -Part IV

2008-10-28T09:37:00.012+05:30

On the walk back to the hotel..i tried to come in terms with the situation facing me on the face..i told myself i wd have to go through this in a planned manner.like a commando operation :)).using whatever resources i had to the maximum..i asked myself again and again if i really wanted to go through this adventure..everytime it answered me with a "yes".

Reached hotel at about 1.30 am ,told the front desk guy to cancel the taxi i had booked..

Went to my room , packed my stuff..and sat down to recalculate the situation facing me..i checked all my pockets , hoping to find a crumpled note...but it gave me nothing..

I realized that i cd atleast take with me the half a liter complimentory water provided by the hotel..i still had another bottle which still had water in it...i gulped that down..about 3/4 of a ltr... I rationalized that if i started walking now..i should be able to reach the station in two to three hours..i didnt even know the route, but then i had no choices..and i liked it...i like pressure..:)

I checked out at 2.15 am..the guy at the front desk gave me a surprised look.

I was out in the open now..Rs.20 in the pocket, and half liter of water ..and the cold Delhi November .i hadnt brought anything protective too..to save me..i travel light..and i didnt want to miss a single fahernite of Delhi's cold season..Bangalore has no seasons..

But that night..i wanted to wish away the cold...it was very cold...i cd soon feel my hands and legs shivering...i heard my teeths clattereing against eachother..my ears became cold..the cold air...like in scary hindi movies was blowing shhhhhhh...sssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh ..the streets empty....even the street dogs had vanished..the watchmans huddled together at the gates in their respective sahabs and memesahabs bunglows..with makeshift bonfires burning...i stopped by at one of the gates to collect a bit of heat on my palms..i was told by the firekeepers ..the walk was atleast 2 hrs...if i survived the cold wave...:)
About a half an hour into the walk ..i saw an auto coming at a ralatively slow speed..my hand rose to stop it..forgetting in that moment that i had no money...the auto stopped..i hadnt expected it to stop..

I told him .. i had to catch a train..and that i had only Rs. 20 and that i cd give him only 10/- out of it....i must have said it with so much of confidence ..that he was taken aback..and he said "Ajeeb admi ho yar" :))and asked me to sit..the actual ride at that time wd have costed me atleast Rs. 200/-

The auto abruptly stopped at a turning..with a screech..a man in a shawl with a beedi in his hand got in..and parked himself next to the main pilot ..they exchanged few pleasentries in the typical jat way..the main pilot indicated at me and mumbled something about the passenger..me..soon i deduced that the new guys was a pilot in the making, and the main pilot wd often leave the controls to him..

we were speeding away at a good speed on the freeway ,the wind consistently beating colder and harder on my face.My muscles were tired of shivering ...the assualt continued ..and then after what seemed like an hour ..i could feel that we were nearing our destination..i was feeling happy inside..that i wd feel a lot less colder inside the railway station..and could thaw myself...:)

We were on a good road now..with no traffic, the indications on the way said that we were close to the station ...i was looking ahead...through the front pane..i could see the road taking a turn after some meters.to the station.a sharp c turn at that.but somehow something seemed odd...the speed of our auto was not right..for a moment i thought i must be hallucunating because of the cold...few meters left for the auto to negotaite the curve..and i still didnt find it slowing down, in fact it was going at steady 40 kms.. my mind was calculating that we cd nt be taking on that sharp c curve at that speed..without flying at an tangent..in this case colliding with the high raised pedestrain walk.. as we gt closer..their was caos at the pilot cabin..the main pilot was yelling at the trainee pilot to step on the brakes..but then i already knew..that nothing cd have stopped us now from crashing at that speed with the sidewalk first..and then the eventual roll into the wall... their was a silence in the auto just before the crash..we all knew that it was inevitable.and nothing cd stop it...the second before the crash the auto tilted and skidded on two wheels towards the left..my left leg came out of the vehicle..hit the sidewalk..and then the steel body of the auto at 40 kms ..and all that accelerating weight came crashing on my leg..crushing my leg into the sidewalk.. all that weight..the speed..of the auto was absorbed by my leg..and then the auto rolled for a few feet....glass shattererd..metal twisted..then we took the roll ..one of the pilot was thrown out on the impact...when it stopped..it stopped...silence...pure silence..i was thrown out sometime in between..i tried to get up...i cdnt..i cdnt feel my leg..my left leg..and then suddenly i felt this shooting pain..i raised my trouser ...my legs had turned the colour of blue..the darkest of blue..from my behind kness to my ankle..their was not a single drop blood which poured out..it was if all my blood vessels had gone into shock...and were nt moving nymore..my leg ahd turned into a rock..my wrist was twisted..my head ached...but surprisingly i had not a single drop of blod that flew out...it was all internal....it was as if someone had battered me with a hammer making sure that he had plasticized my skin before that..so..nothing wd ooze out..

Continued in the next part...

Those 70 ++ hrs - III Part

2008-10-23T09:33:00.012+05:30

The departmental meeting at Delhi wasnt something of a great importance..atleast i didnt find it so..it cd have been done over the phone..but then i wasnt complaining..i like travelling and trying out the delhi roadside dhabas.and the chandi chauks...and this time i got to celeberate my firms annual day..it was grand...i was among the planning commitee ..as an representative for the bangalore branch..i was amazed by the scale of discussions...we were talking about a budget of a crore plus....!!!, one of the hotshots was weighing whether to call Sophie chaudhari or somone else to perform whatever she was good at..for us ..:)..
Let me cut it short..the party rocked at the a 5 star hotel with 500++ attendies....the event managers had offered us a wonderful evening .I gt a bit sloshed (free ki tequila..jyada kick marti hai :)) ..and danced till the wee hours.till the tequila worms crept out of my mouth into the bottle..the appointed chaffuer (now i had a white capped ..saluting..chaffuer :) dropped me back to the hotel i was put up in.
The next day was called a partial holiday, considering all of us needed that rest post annual day bash.Slept through the afternoon...headed to palika bazar for a bit of last minute shopping.
Came back...settled my bills by cash ..at the hotel...i had to catch the train the next morning at 6am from Hazrat Nizamuddin Railway station , i adviced the front desk guy to have a taxi pick me up at 5.15 am. since the bills had been settelled..i decided to finish my dinner at the road side dhaba i had crossed on my way back many times..
The charpai was creaky as it ought to be ..The dal creamy..infused with desi ghee...and the rotti-shotti...hot.straight from the tandoor..and the onion..."Mukki mar ke ",the thick lassi in a big copper glass to end it ..all with a Rs. 45 bill...onlllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyy..paid the bill it was getting late..i had just under 4 hours to sleep before the taxi wd come...the final packing was still pending..
After tipping (the server in a torn short and a black baniyan gave me a wierd look) ,i was left with Rs.20 cash...two notes of ten...i had settled the hotel bills before coming to the dhaba..i planned to carry only Rs. 1000 as cash for the train journey and to pay the cab... went walking to the ATM closeby to draw some cash out..punched the pin..and it said..wrong pin..i tried again..and it said wrong pin..i had only one bank a/c and no credit cards...,and somehow i had managed to forget the pin of the very single card that i had...my mind was playing games on me...how cd i forget a 4 digit number...i had been using it for the last few months...i came out of the ATM to get some fresh air...perhaps rationalizing that the oxygen and the chill of the night might help me remembering those 4 sequence specific code to get my own money..i went in punched in another sequence..which somehow got generated in my brain...but it wdnt just work...i came out again..the guard was getting suspicious now..it was 1 am now..and i was going in and out of the ATM.
i knew i was trying too hard..and perhaps that was causing the memory block...so i isntead chose to talk to the guard..told him .. the problem i was facing...and tried to drive the converasation in a different direction...hoping that that the correct pin wd pop up suddenly...this trick had worked with me many times..the subunconciou minds processing power is more powerful sometimes .

This time i went in and punched in some random numbers thinking my subconcious mind was churning it out..the machine thought for some time..gave a pause..beeped and blocked my card. period................
I didnt intend to insert my card again..i didnt want the dog inside the machine to cut my card into pieces and throw them back at me..

I came out...shocked...i cd have called up dad and mom to read me out the code from the diary kept in the locker...the key to which was hidden ..and stapled between the page numbers 55 & 66 of "Anna karenina " kept in the the second rows of my book shelf..yes ..that wd have compromised many of the other secrets kept in the locker...a view dharmic magazines.. ,few packs of emergency ciggies..but then..they were away..they were enjoying their vacation at Kolkata ..bhai wd be coming home the day after from mumbai..
I felt ship wrecked...I could have called up my local collegues or the admin head, and they could have flushed me with funds...made my flight plans for the next day...it wd have been simple enough..
then ..suddenly i felt happy about the situation..this was the kind of situation i always wanted to put myself in...yes i cd nt get lost in a jungle...or a desert.like they show on Nat Geo..but this was the perfect situation to test myself out..

I checked ...the things i had..

I had a confirmed paid for ticket
As the train moved i wd be getting that much closer to home
I had Rs. 20/-
I could survive 2 and a half days..

I presumed that this was a bad deal...but not thattttt bad...i told myself ...lets take it as an adventure..and in the bargain i wd have lost a few pounds ..and wd have detoxified myself ...

But i never knew that the adventure would take a turn towards a being a disaster..where my very survival would be a question mark...

I would continue the last part in the next post..

Chasing Liberty..yellow dal..few frogs and my pooja

2008-10-22T14:14:00.008+05:30

Its been raining for the last two days..and i love it..i love the cold ..i love to watch the small jumping frogs..i love the sound of thunder..i love the mist in the air...i love rain....
I guess thats the reason i am playing good these days..and my opponents are noticing it...rain and love does it to me...:)am i in love then...may be... may be not..but its raining in nay case...
At home today..switched off my phone..planned to cook some dal for lunch..i seem to hv mastered this dish now...watched a movie in between ..Chasing Liberty on HBO..and i loved it too...was quite similar to my all time favourite "Dil hai ki manta nahi " I still remember i fell in love with Pooja Bhatt after that film....and i remember thinking of going to poona to get a glimpse of her once...probably meet her somehow......dont know why puna...shouldnt i have gone to mumbai instead...perhaps i thought she being a maharashtrian..i wd get to see her in puna...i was a no brainer those days...my growing up foolish days...:)
I remember kissin her pictures on the cassete cover of the film...ha ha...crazy days..in one of her dialouges she says to amir khan ..."Raghu ooth ..raghu ooth..and kicks his butt..and i absolutely loved it..cute..and she looked absolutely gorgeous in the white kurta offered by aamir...and then she kisses off the watermelon seed from aamirs cheek....and that scene when she lifts her skirt ..asking for a lift.everytime I wd go to watch that movie..i wd close my friends eyes while that scene wd be on…I didn’t want them to see her doing that act and salivate……no i cdnt let that happen to pooja....and "mujhe bhook lagi hai...mere pair me dard hai...cute ...absolutely cute..... i used to hate my friends and mom who use to find her squinty eyed...no she wasnt..even she was...she was the woman i was in love with... she was my love.... aamir was fantastic too..raghu jetli..ha ha ha..and she said.."ye kaisa naam hai" ...ha ha...:)...i partcularly liked the garage scene ..in which they both close dance slowly...to the music of "Hum hai rahi pyar ke..hum se kooch ma boliye"....his cigerate dangling slowly..fantastic....they looked good together...i rememebr aanirs cap was a rage the,,,even i had one..but i bet..pooja wd have looked better with me...:) I still love you pooja....

"mar ke bhi hum na..tumse juda ho...aaoo kooch aisa kare
Mujhme me sama jaa..aaa pass aaa jaaa....humdum mere ..humnasheen

Dil hai ki manta nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii........

Those 70++ hours ...II Part

2008-10-18T07:14:00.006+05:30

The first part goes to skim through my experiences prior and after my entry into the corporate blue collererd sector and i guess they would find its reflections in many of us.I didnt find it necessary in going through more details..like i said i just wanted to skim through...and guide you through in one of the rollercoasters of my life..the first part which pushed me to the vertical heights .

This post would try to narrate about those 70++ hrs , the hours which were the most tricky loops of the rollercoster which put to test my endurence towards pain...my ability to say no to easy way outs,not compromising on values...keeping the faith that God(the sutradhar) must have no more testers left..,but the the very next moment being thrown with another tester..and beleive me ..i did see him...or atleast i hallucinated that we both were having a hearty laugh, he.. for deriving kicks out of the perpetual tester he was throwing at me..and i for facing them and negating them again and again.
This post took birth because of D writer..she in her post had mentioned how the ATM machine had put her in an ackward postion.. she.. despite the offsets she was going through saw the funny side to it..and this is one of the traits that diffrentiates a survivor from a someone who pulls the lifes train brakes everytime the train negotiates a sharp turn ..

Ok so the train...back to it...and my story on it..for 72+ hours..

On third thoughts :) lets make it a three part story :)

Those 70+++ hours....Part I

2008-10-15T11:41:00.017+05:30

Year 2006,late October ..It had been eight months that i had joined the software bandwagon having jumped from the hospitality sector , i guess the transition had a lot to do with the wierd working hours that i had been putting in..100's of weekends sacrificed...for few peanuts ..and i guess the driving force was the constant urge that i cd better things than what i was doing ,I was doing good and had a name in the market..the stint also gave me chance to share the same breathing space with the likes of John F Welch.. former CEO of GE , Guillermo Wille, Managing Director, John F. Welch Technology Centre would always ask for me, could actually see how simple and humble a man Narayan Murthy is...and many more powerful men and women with brillinat shades in there personalities..

A lot of projects undertaken..completed..and then one day i quit.. 5 months of being jobless :) and then i got the job i dreamed of... yes the blue collered job..a job in the silicon valley of India :)

The jump incidentlly was a tangent and a complete contrast to what i was qualified in and had the expereince thereafter .I was absorbed in as Sr.Executive- Human Resources and Facilities....flying in jet liners..i had never flown on a plane before..i simply cdnt afford it before that...nor was their a need .ha ha ha..it was very hard to contain the exitement inside and behave like i was used to all this high flying...lol
Into the 9th month now thay ,I get a mail from my boss asking me to be at Delhi for yet another meeting and my induction,this time i wanted to do things differntly..so i told the travel desk to book me a second class railway ticket on my return trip instead of a flight ticket..much to their amazement..i have always loved trains..not the sqeeky clean 1st class AC ones...but the caotic noisy grimy second class...its fun...open windows...u have vendors coming in at regular intervals..the sound of "chaaaaaaiiii chaiiiiiiiii" in an amitabh like baritone is music...and yes u can sit at the gate...puffing away a ciggerate..u get many stories to listen..to overhear...its fun when the train passes over a bridge..the sound changes...thak..thakk...dheek a dheek ,and you cd throw in few coins in the waters :),,,best part..u do nt have to act sophisticated..u can be yrself...everything gets diluted and comes to the same level in that moving universe..in the 2nd class Indian train.
Its amazing how the flight from bangalore takes 2.5 hrs and the commute from the airport to the office takes the same time...

The 70++ hrs wd continue in the next post....

Me and water and the boat and the net.........

2008-10-05T13:57:00.001+05:30

As my sony sees them................

2008-10-05T13:50:00.002+05:30

few more afternoons with my sony

2008-10-05T13:45:00.001+05:30

Few of my wierd photograpic afternnoons

2008-10-05T13:38:00.001+05:30

Marble seasaw

2008-09-13T21:21:00.000+05:30

Few nuts gone nuts one nutty afternoon

2008-08-28T10:05:00.001+05:30

The J (oker) Factor

2008-07-15T23:07:00.001+05:30

Watched "The fastest Indian " for the nth time today..and i know i can watch it the n+1 time too...Theirs something about the character Burt ...played by Anthony Hopkins ..the bluntness ..the innocent out of the box rationalizing..the warmth..latches on to you...makes u chuckle most of time..makes you lose that drop from the corners of your eyes...and most of the time you begin to identify yrself with him...you want him to break the record thats he has set out to acheive...his personal win becomes yours...
All my life i have been the wild card entry in everything...like a joker card...lost between the talented and powerful Kings and Jacks and aces and yes…among the other jokers ..i have always tried to peek out of the pack...wanting to be picked up..given a chance...selling myself..selling the fact that i had the inherent ability to turn into anything..anyone...many beleived ..many didnt..those who did were amazed...that done i usually go back to the pack ...all jumpy and wishing to be picked up again and be amazed and amaze others ... well that reminds me of "The Pretender"...i loved that serial...
This phrase still resonates inside me " There are Pretenders among us. Geniuses with the ability to become anyone they want to be. In 1963 a corporation known as the Centre isolated a young Pretender named Jarod and exploited his genius for their research. Then one day, their Pretender ran away...
Well our man Burt Munro who comes all the way from Newzealand from a town which he sometimes chooses to spell with one less L to save ink :) ... he also has a lemon tree he pees on to make it grow more lemons .He sets a record at the end...even if he had nt succeded...the journey ..with his rickety machine and his equally rickety bones was fantastic...the undiluted faith won the race...
He says "All my life Ive wanted to do something big... something bigger and better than all the other jokers"
Their was another movie …a Jamaican movie..."Cool runnings " i loved that too...
I have many.. very capable rickety dreams too .....and i wd continue to ride them...and set record for myself....

And i quit the 12th gym ........

2008-07-09T21:54:00.000+05:30

The day has been eventful…lots of internal paradigm shifts…many questions answered…many more spontaneously generated questions..in fact the questions seem to follow a geometric progression with the common ratio being “Amazement”.
As it was bound to happen..and it actually did…its been 10 days ..that I hv quit the gym…well the mind is clever…mine is worse….it is a conniving +ve type..aimed solely at trapping..conspiring..programmed towards self destruction….it found ..actually it rationalized that I shdnt any longer go that particular gym….
Reason 1 : The bag of muscles..the instructor…was laughing it out when one of the contraptions tension wire snapped and the guy using it had a nasty fall….i keep my index finger on my now budding double chin and wonder..wonder…wd the laugh wd hv been more heartier if the cable had snapped up the guys neck…weird………

Reason 2 : I now imagine..that …their had been some kick backs..during the purchase of equipments..and hence the quality of the ferrous strands of tension wire had been sacrificed upon..and that eventually every equipment wd fail..and men wd fall…
Reason 3: oh…forget it ….dont induce my mind to give ..more reasons as to why I quit….
Ok..just the last one ……..

Reason 3: The sack of muscle suddenly had this flash that he was getting old..and that he had to use that muscle…ye..u gt it right..that…before it suffers “ Atrophy “ I gt this word from the film I watched today..let me talk about it later…well atrophy means “Any weakening or degeneration because of non use “ .
So he being computer unfriendly..wd ask me to get him signed up on the online marriage portals.between my crunches...i had to fill in his false details..showing him as 6 something when actually he just about touched 5…yes I mean his height..common now…dirty minds…in any case..Asians average at 5.5 somethings….no..dont get me wrong..it wd be a horror show even getting a accidental peek of another males ..at a public loo…cut that now…The worst part was writing about what he looked for in his potential mate…he was so clueless..and how does one expect me to write about his mate…only thing he was sure off was he wanted a Gowda gal…and i had to debug the entire process at times..retrive his lost password..
Anyways all this happenings convinced my brain to order me to just stop going…and which I did...

ok reason 4:the buiding itself wasn’t stable…it wd fall one day..i imagine all that muscle splattered over..blobs of fat…instead of blood horrorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……….

Pempeeng and pempeeing ya-iron to get dolay sholay

2008-06-18T12:46:00.000+05:30

Have been pumping iron for the last ten days..this gym which calls itself The Magic Gym is located near my house..and closer to the moslem dominated area..and much more closer to the Triangular flat..onion stuffed ..oil dripping..dust laced.. khan bhai's Samosa ke thela ..seems like i have found the perfect stick and carrot management style for my softish guts.. the almost addictive samosa's pull me to wards that area...and then the guilt pushes me to the gym ...perfect...perfect harmony..
And the after-samosa-half tea at a princely sum of Rs. 2 .oh how can i forget...yesterday.. half through my tea ..i found a blue eyed fly floating in the inside my glass..No..i didnt puke or spit..neither did i gargel..nor did i swear at the khan sahab...i wd have done all of that a year back...I rationalized the grave event by thinking of a dip and done lobster which are worse looking than cockraoches or in this case the fly..
I was only sorry about the fly... :(

well ..headed towards the gym ..the magic gym..the place is strangely built upon a 30x 40 site ..and is on the 4th floor..can u belive it..donnt know how the building structire supports itself..the walk up is a bit scary...the building is like a karina at the bottom and a pamela at the top :)

The instructor scary himself...he is like a mass of muscles.tumbling around ..like a sack of potaotoes .not quite inspiring..
A bunch of high levels of testestrone powered young boys..pumping it up..
I wish their were some women around..:) the last gym that i went to..had loads of the..gals working out around can be an inspiration by themselves..the increased blood circulation does make you crunch out more reps ...
and which man wdnt like the sight of a woman doing squats...and toning those chest muscles..:)
well nothing for me now...:(

Today i forced out 150 crunches...a mighty jump from the measly 45 when i started out...i guess from tommorrow on..i wd be targetting one muscle group at a time...

rest later .....

aj kal paw zameen par nahi parte...i need some "thahrav"

2008-05-21T15:04:00.001+05:30

She ...The phenomenon ...

2008-05-17T23:58:00.000+05:30

As i begin to write about this phenomenon ...yes i call her a phenomenon ..and why not? She is turning out to be an event in my life ..a phsycadellic fantasy. Like a story i am watching her unfolding everyday ...shedding her multicoloured....multi textured layers to me...

The more i am connecting with her on various eclectic layers ..the more i find myself getting entwined in her story..slowly ...but definately.....am i losing myself...am i becoming a part of the fantasy too ? Am i getting absorbed , my soul double boiled and reduced to a squishy pulp......

I have never liked the delhi way of living, more so, the ..typical-plastic- flashy Delhi gals..I find them ...made up...materialistic,selfish...perfectly fine tuned to cheat you the next moment kinds ...i find myself mentally turned off and closed to anything about Delhi ..Perhaps being brought up in a protective , safe , clean Defence environment and my upraising in a more liberal but uncomplicated environment ...more open but emphatheic part of society has narrowed my perception ..i come from a place where everything is their at its right place at the right time ..so their is no actual requirement to sacrifice ones dignity or encroach on others .In one word i come from a world where things are gentler..and it works perfect ...Having lived in Bangalore for the past 17 years...and after about 17000 dosas and the equal number of Vadas and twice the number of Idlis ...i am Banglorean by soul..and i love it and anything non banglorean puts me off .

I might seem like i am drifting from the topic...remember the "phenomenon"..i was talking about in the first paragraph . But i am not..I had to run you through my mental and emotional make up.

I have never met this "phenomenon" ..but now after about 2 weeks of knowing her..talking to her .connecting with her..my life seems to be taking a tangent , a tangent which is slicing through my life and its preconceived perceptions ..

She seems to come from a small dusty town, complete with a dusty street, blowing wind trapped with businesses on either side.I imagine some pretty brutal characters sipping on glass of tea with a bread pakora in another hand, a portly guy with thick eyebrows eying the passing women, and a tall hulkg diagonosed with over active- thyroid syndrome with over flowing reeking of testesterone case ...who also wields a giant wooden stick.The rickshaws negotiating the potholes and the human traffic like some layed off Gemini Circus gymnast..often taking the blow to his balls rather than the passing it the sahab or memsahab sitting behind and to their respective balls ...I divert my mind from the sound of colliding balls by listening to the sound of the blow horns ..pow pow !!! and i actually love that sound ...i have always loved the sound..atleast the sounds are beautiful in the City of Joy ...

I can only imagine ..that she stays in a worn out..non descript building,with dim lighting but then its her home..the home she fights to reach every evening ..a place she seeks rest in..finds comfort...among her loved ones ...She has a call bell at her entrance ..which blows out loud to play some religious chant ..and that surprises me ..it seems so ..on the face...playing the same at Bangalore would be a kamakazi act..we have grown to believe in minimalistic affairs ..being subtle is the key word...but yes i must admit the bell was a welcome episode ..another tangent ..i am seeking to ride on ...

I imagine...she must be having a small almirah to herself..and she must be happy that she has that private space to herself...i do not know what she stocks in her almirah..away from the prying eyes of her inquisitive brother and the largish joint family..but i am most interested in the secrets she hides in it ..perhaps few love letters from the past..some naughty racy lingerie which she secretly wears and on the days she is home and when others arent...a make up kit ,few crips 500 notes.. few tablets to keep her going ......few dreams tucked in the secret compartment -the keys to which are lost now..

I presume she has a bed to herself ..against a wall which has few of her dreams precariously balanced on the edges of the chipping paint from the last decades summer,a bedsheet which has seen better days ...with threads which cling themselves to her now..on to her not so soft feet .. a pillow ..which used to have stuffed cotten which got heavier by the Vicks seeping in from the regular headaches and now have been substituted with sponge ..the underside of the bed is overflowing with things in various state of life..some young..some dead ...some in coma..in variuos state of disposal ..the ceiling is burnt..from the constantly being stared at... few cobwebs on the ceiling corners ..a simple brained moth enjoying the silky trap...not knowing that a delhi spider is approaching it....salivating ...ready to pounce on its dreams of flying beautiful one day ...

Well ...Its been her home , a home she had grown old with , wiser with..beautiful with ...

Having interacted with her all these days..and having seen her photographs.i find myself attracted to her.. she has a cute chin and equally carved out succulent lips.and a nose ..which reflects pride.. a intelligent big forehead ..a peach and almond complexion to match ...a pair of big floaty eyes ..blue like of a kid..her deep thraoty voice gives me indications that she just might be a full bodied woman....a sensuos full bodied beautiful woman ...her voice...sometimes cold like a butchers blade...sometimes distant .sometimes sensuosly and tantalizingly close to my ears .. tittilating my senses.....at times giggly ..often like the deep resonating voice that u get when you throw a stone into a deep well...( i remember the film Hot shots had a similar scene !! )

Wish i could talk like her...my thought processes are like a river ......with enough energy and passion to irrigate and melt and burn the souls of millions ....but they come to a dead end...like a dam ..my internal mechanism becomes my enemy and stops me ..i can only trickle from the available holes ..to the other side... By nature ...i am attracted to good speakers..becoz they are what i could have been ...

So there u go..i have another reason to like this gal..this phenomenon speaks like a river...with the inherent dips and highs .the occasional intoxicating drowning whirlpools ...effortless ..sensuous..pauses of kind which talk..articulate......

I am equally moved by her expressive writings...i wonder ..what must have she gone through to pen down those thoughts in her often dark poetries

She is everything that i wanted to be ...except that i am happy being a man and having its requisite physical spare parts and emotional makeup ....:)

Yesterday i saw her exploding like a volcano...it erupted after a long period ..its liquid lava and heat hit me..burned me ..instead of burning me to ciders ..it actually melted me and my perceptions sort .i do not know how ..but i wish to change her life..she deserves better .

I wish she could hitchhike on my blue kite ..and see the life which is beautiful..with no treachery..with most of the dreams within reach. She could spend the entire day at her table .on her bed...by the window..on her blue kite ..to pen her creations...

This is one of my blue kite dreamz...wanting to make her fly beautiful .........

Hope to meet her..one day...

My first Hindi ..dont know what ...

2008-04-24T22:56:00.000+05:30

maine unse kaha..
mujhe likhna sikha do...
mere andar hamesha koi cheekhta chillata rahta hai
shayad wo....... bahar ana chahta hai
meri ander ki tale ki chabi to kabhi bani hi nahi thi
..ek chabi... banwa do..

maine unse kaha..
mujhe likhna sikha do...
mere pass to kagaz bhi nahi..wo bhi la do..
arey haaa..or apna pen lana na bhoolna
meri syahi ko ..maine kal raat aasman par chitak diya tha.
apni neeli si syahi bhi bhijwa do..

Maine unse kaha
mujhe likhna sikha do..
paas baitho,batao..ki kya likhoo ...kaise likhoo
kyooki maine to tumhare diye hue kagaz ka neel-patang ban dala
Pen ka to "Latayi" bana gaya..
naraaz ho to apni patang urake..meri katwa do........

Me...... under the scanner

2008-03-31T16:12:00.000+05:30

Looks like i am being tracked..searched upon...my notes to myself (am i sure about that ?) are being commented upon..the comments though are seemingly aimed towards motivating the author..in this case me ...so how am i feeling about this...?

hmmmm.. well i felt myself being stripped and having to pose on a freezing slab of ice on fire ..my cries..shouts..helplessness...as much transparent as i didnt want it to .

I felt encroached upon ..i felt nude in front of the reader..But i question myself ....would I have felt differntly if i hadnt known the person who commented on my blog ????..perhaps..perhaps not ...

But it is me who has chosen to make my blogs public..spicing them up with my lifes tangy juices and blue salts ..... why did i have to publish them. Why ?..does it make me seem heroic...do they show my romantic..gud at heart..dependable side ..is it aimed at showing me to others as someone who can talk and think big and still is very vunerable.

Is the entire blog thing..a last resort outlet for gaining appreciation....sympathy...love....why wd someone do this.why wd i do this .i see no other objective..its sole purpose seems aimed at trigerring emotions in the readers..

How Pervertish ... ha ha

No..that was not my intent at all..or was it..why do we write..

do we write all the truth..dont we edit it ..if we edit it..why write at all
If we want to hide it..why write at all .

Perhaps we think..one day..when we are in a better position ..we can go back to the blog and measure ourself..for what we had been through to have come so far..or have sunken far below..

I am confused..and thats is the truth for now...

Few shots down and start talking google and Jack..:)

2008-03-31T14:34:00.000+05:30

Met Ad and soo yesterday..it had been a long time since i had gulped down a few shots..was almost nearing the watering hole..that i stopped..no not that good sense prevailed and i went to ring the bell in the nearest temple .it jsut occured to me that i didnt want to do it alone..i have always felt worser after those lonely shot powered sessions..the headaches turned out to be sharper than the actual toxinnnnn.. called up AD..as usual he was always ready to join me with SOO .
Our talks again drifted towards how V was still blindly trusting the old man ..and how they and others genuinly felt that what happened to me was wrong ..SOO for the nth time cerified me as his lifetime guru.....his mentor..
This time ..i wanted to talk something different..so i told them about Google..its story ..and how the firm was formed by a two dreamers to what it is today...its amazing how google hasn not responded to my CV yet ..they wd be surprised to see someone talking about google in a watering hole instead of girls..sex..money..and waht not ..
I also spoke about Jack Welch..and how i consider him my life time mentor..do not know if those talks made any sense to them...but i cd go on for hours aboutt GE and Google..my dream companies...i somehow feel connected to them and their visions and how they operate and can identify with their thought procesess.

well i told them that i wd gift them the books ..Jack welch to SOO and Google to Ad...

Reached home in the early hours .Ma had made my bed.
The dogs didnt bark today at me..neither did the main gate metal door creak ..so i guess noone knew that i reached home at 1am....lucky me

Close to .Infinity..

2008-03-24T21:59:00.000+05:30

The day has already casted its ghostly creepy shadows..yet again ...for the nth time just perfected chiseled for me...what did i do the entire day..nothing..nothing at all...just like any other day..this is the 6th month that i have done nothing..6 months taken away from my life. i have been buying time ...kind of gambling with time..played the game of who gets whome first..well i seem to be losing it....i am no more scared of the future.....what happened to the joy who was throbbing with life..for whom everyday was a new chance to complete a new project ..who killed him ...who brought the dark shadows under his eyes..does he..even know how he has pushed me into coma ..a coma ..which hurts instead of numbing me ....doesnt he need to be punished...it seems like ages since i have laughed..yes the wins at the game of pool ..and those magic shots do make me laugh..they make me happy..wd have had nothing if i didnt have R to play with ...

everyday is the same..waking up is getting scarier by the day..its been a long time since i have seen myself in the mirror..i have begun to hate myself more and more..iget scared to talk to people..i hide in the crowd.i hide behind trees..i do not want to be seen and recognized ..and be laughed upon by them..who knew me for what i was....

I have lost myself...i do not recognize myself anymore....i cannot wait anymore..and wait for what?..another uncertainity ............

Garbage in..garbage out.........

2008-02-16T20:38:00.000+05:30

Me -Today ... I am a mess right now ...My room is equally reflective of that fact...everything is scattered..resembling my state of mind..tried many a times to make sense of the mess..the randomness..but those very things which used to belong to me..look like alien strangers to me now..i do not know them..they look at me with equally big inquistive eyes..cannot recollect ..why and how did they get into my system ..i so want to pack them all and send them to garbage..to the bigger garbage..but what ..what ..if i had something hiding amongst all that is chaos...which might hold the key to something in future..what wd i do then... am i not tired of total shutdown..and starting from the very scratch everytime...common i need some answers ..Do i need to be selective in the process of disposal..or can i be blunt enough to throw it all... I am so dead tired of creating new questions..and seeking out a zillion alternate answers to them . Cant i come up with a single simplistic general answer to all of it.perahaps a mathematical expression to all this garbage and disposal .I guess the only answer to all that garbage is .....a garbage bag ..........

Clogged

2008-02-14T18:52:00.000+05:30

My thinking process is feeling so clogged today.....it just has come to a standstill... iam not confused..iam just stuck...iam locked .......i do not even know where the keys are...The feeling of being at peace seems to be evading me..its as if something is amiss..i do know what.....Their seems to be noise all around me..noises of which i cannot make any sense..i wish they wd stop ....i do nt belong to them..i do not know them ...what ..what is missing ..what is making me feel so imcomplete..exhausted ..thirsty..hungry.. suddenly..i wish their was a machine which cd pump in fresh oxygen into my restless throbbing soul.....i wish to feel drenched to the core.....wet..cold...fresh.....still...at peace........

The G woman with the big talking eyes

2008-02-12T23:11:00.000+05:30

Am intrigued by this woman ..i chanced upon on a social network forum...is she for real...havent seen such big beautiful talking eyes for a long time now ...and guess what ...she actually has brains..at least her drift gives me those indications...lot of character to her..seems deep...seems a far cry from others..

Is she wearing a mask .......hmmmmmm doesnt look like that ...but looks can be deceiving ...i can write a zillion things too about me..which may not truly represent me ...but then wd gain me by increasing my likebility factor.

But why wd she do that.....

No...my gut feels says she is for real.......

Why am i analyzing her so much in any case........

The race to 100

2008-02-12T22:52:00.000+05:30

Something is seriously wrong with my stroking these days...the cue ball wdnt just stick for that nanoseconds with the cue ball...its not imparting any effective english at all..nor are my small jabs working out..my close cut shots are not that consistent as they used to be...on the contrary my straight shots are coming up well...surprisingly..

Whats happening ...is Sundars increasing standards of playing choking me..am i under pressure ...may be i am busy looking at his good shots..and when i see him making the tough shots..it pressurizes me. Is it like i feel that ..i have no more tricks to play better than him .....

What........what is happening .......???????????????

Today i went with the HUGE expectations from myself and even had the audacity to declare before the game that i wd beat him 20 down ...at the end of 5 rack he was already at 4 ...
It was humilatating..it devasted me...i started hiding behind some aweful shooting spree...i gt a simple black ball elimentary pot..i missed it on purpose..i wd hv been seen like a sissy for potting a simple ball ..

well we ended at a score of Sundar 13 and i at 9.

I cd hv drawn the game..but i didnt want to.....i wanted to punish myself by losing it ....i hope i hv eventually lost my false inflated ego too.........

Next game on..let me play just for the love of game....lets see if that works out good for me .

Let me concentrate more on the point of contact with the object ball..i guess i am missing out on that ...and timing the ball more..

Race to 100

2008-02-06T16:46:00.000+05:30

Me and Sundar have decided that we play a race to 100 in 8 ball pool .actually it was me who brought up this idea ..i guess my false defalted ego badly needs some tucker and searches for an easy challenge and win it.. We both are going through different phases of learning to control the game.Sometimes we jump up the ranking and sometimes we dip down...but i guess the drift for both has been towards a better cue ball control...and a better table control .I beleive all the pool players have to go through them.

I rank myself at rank 4 in range of 0-10 ..0 being beginers and at 10 are the ones like Bustamante..steve davis..Efren reyes ,alex pagulayan ,Gefrey archer..and ...

Its like you start with zero(beginers) ..graduate to 1..then 2...stay their at 2 for ages...then suddenly you find yrself at stage 3...then you jump to 4 ........you again go through a period of stagnation ...it becomes almost frustrating when you just dont seem to move up the ladder ...but then ...u gt to go thorough the drills...again and again..no shortcuts..though an experienced teacher can make the climb up faster.

Sundar seems to be on higher learning curve...he alamost ata par with my game skills now...sometimes i feel the pressure.

I guess the pressure is normal... i have the pressure of retaining my winning spree as well as win ...

I want that 7th bulge too ...( language used might offend some readers)

2007-12-08T08:41:00.000+05:30

The language used by me in my blogs may seem offensive to few...so if u feel that you wdnt be able to take it ..then please leave my blog right at this point ...

Have been wondering what is it ...that is stopping me from getting those bulges...why am i so happy & content with my hormone driven singular bulge ..why does shahrukh have six of them ..why does mine look like an slowly but expanding balloon and his looks like a well pleated origamic architecture ...

Well gentlemen ..and morsoever ladies ..who by the way have pampered and spoiled me bad over the years by lying to me by saying " O my god ..i just love yr tummy..its so cute and soft and cuddly "..the same ladies hv been secretly salivating over sharukhs six packs

Few reasons why i & you wd do this

1)The fat in the middle section causes wd lead to heart related problems
2)U do not gt yr sizes in the branded stores
3)You hv to punch another hole in yr belt
4)You cant climb yr favourite tree
5)Yr fat bank eventually start entering a room first & then you can just follow it .
8)If u hv reached the 36 size .. i doubt that you wdnt have seen yr entire length of pee pee for a long time without the aid of a reflecting surface ..thats sad...not being able to see the loveliest part ..
9)Forget the gals..they are genetically programmed to discard..ignore anything closely related to fat ...moresover fat men ..disgust them ..if u are someone other than her father or sibling.

So this is for you woman ......

Me going to get those bulges ....in six months flat ..

six months ..six bulges

30 + & Single...looking for a partner .head for ...Marriage portals

2007-11-23T07:11:00.000+05:30

Well ...as i write this blog...i have another window running parallely ..what portal ? nah..not those ...:)

its one of the Indian marriage portals ....specifically a Bengali portal...ok ..its the http://www.bengalimatrimony.com/ ... its become like a life boat to people like us ...

Now what do i mean by "People like us "..

their are many genres of them....who become part of this "search n marry " engine ..

a)The confused ones who still arnt much sure that can actually share the same space with another person ..and are scared that their wont be an escape from the other person .

b)The responsible ones ..who have to complete a social obligation and add to their respective linage...

c)The ones who have reached a certain stage proffesionally and are doing good enough to enjoy life with a partner .

d)The ones who are lonely (the scarier ones..often) ..and looking for someone to talk to ..

e) The ones who have broken away from their lovers...and are desperately in look out for someone to fill that slot .

f) The ones who geniuenly wish to have a partner..a friend ..to come into their life ..

g)The ones ..who are combination of all the above and other needs. desires..eccentricites ....

All that search ...analyze.. compatibility checks ...Future ..past ..present ..contact ..reply..decline ......all that ...to get married ?

Well seems like an alternative option !!!

Fixing the "Mom falling out of the bed "problem

2007-11-20T09:42:00.000+05:30

Sounds like an absurd title ...but thats the truth and truth can most of the time seem downright funny and absurd....
But beleive me getting that swollen tomato on yr head after falling from about a height of 1 ft in the cold winter at about 2 am ..aint funny ...

Well my mom got the ripe tomato yesterday and her artheritisis affected elbow bones got a share of getting hammered too ...

So today i am on to fixing the Avoiding -dropping -from-Bed device ..lets call it A.D.F.B device ..

Well the device wd hv to acheive the following results

a) Provide a barrier between my mother and free fall space
b) able to withstand the weight ..push of my mother
c) be functional and simplistic ..low tech
d) Low cost
e)Easy to install and uninstall
f) Use no screws or metal ..to be lightweight but strong

well i have come with a plan ..hope to post it by today evening ...

Wish me luck with my A.D.F.B device

Passport Office Bangalore India - PPC (Police clearance certificate)

2007-11-19T14:52:00.000+05:30

Objective : To secure PPC from Passport office , Bangalore

Its a good idea to wake up early..finish with yr mortal drills...and venture out to the land of mines instead of setting off to the passport office .
Presuming that u wd wish to go the passport office instead ..like i did ..out of complulsion ..

Scene you wd be faced
at 6 am(at the passport office ) : 10 seats near the counter already filled
at 6.30 am ....############: 30 seats filled
at 7.00 am ...#############; 70 seats filled
at 7.30 am....##############: 100 seats filled
at 8.00 am...##############: 200 seats filled

sorry but i guess after 150 odd seating qeues ..u only get to stand in the line

if u arrive at 9 am ..its a good idea to take a walk around the serpentine crowd numbering 300 ++ and just go back home..or wherever u wish to...and please dont pass the anger of yrs to the traffic ...

The counter opens at 9.30 am ..manned by a man of strong principles ..good to see that(will mention about an incident later )

well this counter is the one which faces the main road ...on the left side after u enter the pasport office .

The forms : you get one inside at a kiosk to the right after you enter the compond

Xerox :theirs one now inside and near the main gate .

So basically the flow chart wd be

1)Reach at about 6.00 am, carry along an empty good looking polythene cover with some old newspaper inside.
2)Parking is inside .
3)Park yrself for 20 mts on the chair u find available starting from the counter end..chat with the neighbours who has come before you .make some silly comments about bangalore traffic...the outsiders ...make sure that the seat after you also filled..talk to him too .this is called tagging/marking yrself to the seat u just sat on !!!!
4) Very sweetly tell the adjacent owners that ..you wd be back in just 5 mts ...
5) keep the empty god looking polythene cover on the seat as marker (dogs do the same ..they urinate instead :)))
6)Go and fetch yr form ..fill the form..smoke if u do ..
7)Come back ..wait ...sit down..stand up..ogling is bad manners ..yawn...look at the aircrafts in the skies attempting to land ..and dream about yr own flight..

Counter opens at 9.30

Get yr token ....from the gentleman manning the counter ..the man is very helpful...but beaware if you had somehow gt into the line ...by paying money ..he sees it all...dont know how..must be the cameras...

I say this coz i hv watched him sending a beautiful woman back..because he had seen her somehow managing to jump the line ...

Yes their are the touts who have their people sitting in the line ... u pay them a certain amount and u get to come late ..but still get a seat much closer to the counter .

Risk: Afer paying the bribe ...u may get the seat ..but the neighbours can create a scene and push you out and you lose yr money too
The cameras are watching..and specially the gentleman at the counter...

After you get the token..u go to the inside of the passport ...a huge room with many counters.. yr no. mentioned in the token is called out ..and you go their and pay your fees .he takes yr passport and gvs a receipt ..u might be called the next day at about 4.30 pm depending on the passport issue date or some god know criteria ....

In case you are called the next day..make sure that you reach atleast 20 mts in advance....make sure that u r carrying the acknowledgement...pretty easy process after that..yr name is called out ..if u on time ..u respond and get yr document ..if u arrive late ..yr name idealy is called out repeatedly after periods of time . (well the same bengali guy again at the counter doing a beautiful job unlike others ..who feel they are doing a favour to us by doing a job ..paid for..from our taxes..!!!)

Well you can go back home happy now .....

Form No. : ???
Price : Rs. 5 As on Oct 2007
Xerox : Passport - 2 copies

"The early bird gets the PCC "